I have learned a few things since being here. I thought that I was coming to be a teacher to the kids and set an example for them, but they have for me in greater ways than I can express through a blog post.
The day I moved in, I thought it was kinda odd not to see a reflection of myself above the mirror. A month and a half later, my bathroom is still mirror-less…aside from the 2 inch pocket mirror I’ve used about 5 times since being in Guatemala. As weird as it may be, I enjoy going into the morning not being focused on my outer appearance. Most of you who know me know that I have struggled all my life with the appearance of my skin condition. It is a part of me that I love but strangers can’t seem to understand. I have been ridiculed many times before (see video here). Most recently, I found myself in tears alone in the middle of the airport (about a month before moving to Guatemala) based on the reaction from an airport employee. I was a big mess of tears while waiting for the flight, dried up the tears and threw on a smile while getting on the plane, and was thankful for my window seat to hide my tear-filled eyes. All because of a reaction from a stranger.
Having no mirror takes my focus off of my freckles, the way my hair is parted, or how big the bags are underneath my eyes- the parts of my appearance I cannot change no matter how much I may want to. Each and every morning (or anytime I go to the bathroom) I am reminded that today I am not living to meet the expectations of the world through my physical appearance, but to be more focused on the appearance of my life and the lives of those around me. I begin to notice the cause and effect of my actions and how I can improve myself.
Without a mirror, I can get all ready for the day in 20 minutes. I am not spending much time focusing on strengthening the image above the sink. My time is shifted to strengthening the relationships with the kids and my actions/words towards them.
Without seeing myself in the mirror, I have begun to identify myself as a person, as a human being, rather than a skin condition. I do not see myself different from the children in any way. They continue to love me and appreciate me, no matter how many freckles I have. I know now that I have to see myself that way as well.
This past year living in Dallas, I think I’ve earned the middle name “baker”. Every week, there was some type of cookie, cheesecake, scone, brownie, or something sweet in the kitchen. Since being in Guatemala, I have not baked once. In my tiny kitchen, I have a fridge and a sink. I do miss baking. A lot. And I have also had cravings of fresh baked goods.
Again, my time isn’t spent in the kitchen filling myself with sweets. My time is spent building relationships. I feel healthier now, because I am taking the time to invest in relationships, and I have cut out a good amount of sweets. As much as I miss the art of baking, I know I can fill my time with things far greater than a peanut butter cookie.
Before I left for Guatemala, I wanted to grab a new pair of converse sneakers. I’ve had these since middle school, the fabric is wearing off inside, and there are small pea-sized holes on each side, where my toes bend when I walk. But I never got to it, and the holes are slowly growing. I look down at my shoes, then look over to the boy sitting next to me. He also has holes in his converses, but closer to the size of a quarter (maybe larger). He quickly ran out on the court and started playing soccer as if he was wearing a brand new pair of cleats.
Why am I so worried about my pea sized holes in my shoes? My focus shouldn’t be in my worn down soles, but in the condition of the souls of the kids and me both! I shouldn’t be worried about the shoes I am walking in, but where I am headed on my spiritual walk, and what example I am setting to the souls that surround me. The holes in my sneakers mean nothing to me, if I switch my focus to the holes I can repair in my faith.
The girls have asked me a few times to watch a movie. I bring my movies and laptop to their house, they pick one (or more) to watch that day, and we all end up squished on one couch watching a movie in spanish.
I don’t care that I can’t fully understand what’s happening in the movie. I care about the 5 girls seated on the 3 seater couch with me. I feel like I am part of the family and one of them. I enjoy the elbow resting on my shoulder and the hand holding my fingers (although it may be uncomfortable at times). I am not focused on the activity I am doing with the girls, but on soaking on every moment I get to share with them.
It’s been a month and a half, and I have yet to get a Guatemalan phone number. I have been in areas where I could have gotten one, yet I am not worried about it. My focus during the day isn’t toward seeing the most recent status on Facebook or my whatsapp text. I am not consistently looking at a screen, like I often found myself doing back in the US. I am forcing myself to be removed from social media/constant communication (aside from when I’m on WiFi) to be more aware of the things around me. Although I have given myself some time to communicate with friends and family over wifi, my eyes aren’t constantly on my phone, like they used to be (Apologies if it sometimes takes me a few hours to reply to you!)
One of my motto I’ve come to inherit is “hurry up and wait!” I feel that if I don’t arrive 5 minutes early, I’m late. I am a speedwalker- not by choice, but by habit. It doesn’t matter if I am headed home or to a scheduled event, I am consistently trying to get there ASAP.
Walking to/from events with the kids is different. They don’t have the “hurry up and wait” mindset. So when they walk, I am forcing myself to slow down and walk with them. To take my time. To notice the mountains and volcanoes around me. To make small talk with those walking past.
My focus is not on my destination, but the paths I cross on my journey there.
(har)Perseverance on a mission 